“You don’t listen to me at all.”
“Once again, you did it wrong.”
“You can’t say anything to you.”
“You never help me with anything.”
All these sentences can arise from completely justified dissatisfaction.
- Maybe we really do need more attention.
- Maybe someone failed to keep an agreement.
- Maybe we feel that most of the work is left to us.
But what we often primarily communicate to the other person is:
You are doing something wrong.
And much less often:
This is what is happening to me, and this is what I would need from you.
This difference can change the entire conversation.
The other person needs to know not only what they are doing wrong
Imagine that your partner repeatedly hears:
You pay no attention to me at all.
They may already know very well that they are doing something wrong.
But do they also know what they should do differently?
“Pay attention to me” could mean:
- putting the phone away during a conversation?
- spending one evening together each week?
- asking more often how you are?
- talking more?
- listening more?
- hugging you?
- sending you a message during the day?
If we do not say it, the other person is left to guess.
Then we may be disappointed that although they are trying, they are doing something completely different from what we needed.
Start with what you can actually observe
Instead of:
You don’t listen to me.
try describing a specific situation:
When I am telling you something and you pick up your phone several times during it…
Instead of:
You are unreliable.
try:
We agreed that you would send me the materials by Monday. It is Wednesday and I still do not have them.
Instead of:
You do not care about what I need.
try:
When we changed our plans for the last three weekends without discussing it beforehand…
The difference is significant.
- The first formulation judges the person.
- The second describes something that can be discussed.
“I feel that you are selfish”
“I feel that” does not talk about a feeling, but “expresses an opinion”.
“I” statements are often recommended as the foundation of healthy communication.
However, the word “I” alone does not guarantee healthy communication.
For example:
I feel that you are selfish.
This looks like an “I” statement.
In reality, it still says:
You are selfish.
Just a little more cautiously.
We could call it a disguised “I” statement.
Similarly:
I feel that you are not interested in me at all.
I feel that you do not respect me.
I feel that you are behaving terribly.
These are not feelings themselves.
They are our opinions, interpretations, or conclusions about the other person.
An actual feeling might be:
I am sad.
I am angry.
I feel uncertain.
I am disappointed.
I am nervous about it.
These are pieces of information about what is happening inside us.
Describe the impact
After describing a specific observation, we can say what the situation does to us.
For example:
When I am telling you something and you check your phone during it, I feel disappointed and feel that our conversation does not have your attention.
Or:
When I only learn about a change of plans at the last minute, I feel stressed because I can no longer arrange my time accordingly.
Or:
When you joke about me in front of other people, I feel uncomfortable.
Now the other person receives much more information.
Not just:
“You are doing it wrong.”
But:
“This is how it affects me.”
Then comes the need
A feeling alone still may not say what we need.
I am angry.
All right.
But what now?
Maybe you need:
- more certainty,
- more space,
- respect,
- help,
- time together,
- calm,
- predictability,
- the ability to decide about things that concern you.
For example:
I need to know about changes of plans a little earlier.
Or:
I would like to feel that we are really listening to each other during this conversation.
Or:
I need us to decide together about visitors to our shared apartment.
Suddenly we are getting closer to something we can work with.
Finally, say what would genuinely help you
This is often the crucial difference between a complaint and a request.
Complaint:
You hardly ever help me.
Request:
Could you take care of the shopping and cleaning the kitchen this week?
Complaint:
We never have any time for ourselves.
Request:
I would like us to set aside one evening this week just for ourselves.
Complaint:
You are late again.
Request:
If you find out that you will be more than ten minutes late, please text me.
Suddenly the other person knows exactly what the change we want from them should look like.
A simple golden rule
When you want to talk about a problem, this simple sequence can help:
What I see or hear → how it affects me → what I feel → what I need → what I am asking for
For example:
When we agree to meet at six and you arrive half an hour late without a message, → I wait and do not know what is happening. → I am angry about it → and I need greater predictability. → If you are going to be late, please text me.
That is something completely different from:
You cannot be relied on at all.
The first formulation gives the other person the opportunity to change something specific.
The second primarily tells them what we think they are like.
It does not have to become a memorized phrase
Healthy communication does not have to sound like:
When I observe X, I feel Y because I need Z, and I am asking you for A.
If you speak this way mechanically, it may sound unnatural.
It is enough to say:
When plans change at the last minute, it stresses me out a lot. I would need to know about changes earlier. Can we agree on that?
The point is not to learn one correct sentence.
The point is to stop explaining to the other person what they are like and start telling them what is happening to us and what we need.
And now the other side: when the other person is speaking
The same principle also works when listening.
Just in reverse.
Someone tells you:
You cannot be trusted at all! Once again, you did everything your own way.
Your first reaction may be:
That is not true!
Or:
Do you always do everything right?
But then the argument becomes about who is worse.
Instead, we can try to translate the attack back into specific information.
For example:
I hear that you are upset that I changed the plan without discussing it with you first. Do I understand that correctly?
The other person may say:
Yes. That is exactly what is bothering me.
And suddenly you are no longer arguing about whether you are a person who “cannot be trusted.”
You have a specific problem.
“I hear that…”
This formulation can be very useful.
Not:
You are saying that I am a bad partner.
But:
I hear that you were upset that I did not let you know.
Not:
So you are saying again that everything is my fault.
But:
I hear that you are upset that I made that decision without you.
This allows us first to check what the real core of the message is.
The other person can then correct us:
No, it is not that you made the decision. I am upset that you did not even ask me.
Excellent-we have just obtained more precise information.
Name the impact on the other person
If we understand them, we can continue:
And I understand that it made you angry.
Or:
I understand that you felt overlooked.
Or:
I understand that you were disappointed.
This does not mean:
I agree with everything you said.
We are simply showing:
I see how it affected you.
And that can be enormously important in a conflict.
Understanding is not agreement
This is important.
Someone says:
I was upset that you did not want to come.
You can answer:
I understand that it disappointed you.
That does not mean:
So I should have come.
You can also say:
I hear that you would need me to be with you more often.
And then:
But I cannot promise you that.
Empathy does not mean surrender.
We can understand the other person’s need and still have our own boundary.
Ask what the other person would need
Sometimes we understand the problem but still do not know what solution the other person expects.
Then a simple question can be very useful:
What would you need to be different?
Or:
What would help you in a similar situation?
The answer may surprise you.
Your partner says:
You are always working.
You assume:
They want me to work less.
But they may mean:
I do not need you to work less. I would just like to know which evenings we will have for ourselves.
That is a completely different problem.
And perhaps a much simpler solution.
If you suspect the need, check it
You do not always have to ask from the very beginning.
You can say:
Do I understand correctly that you would need me to discuss similar changes with you first?
Or:
Is it mainly important to you to know about it in advance?
The other person may say:
Yes.
Or:
No, it is something else.
Both answers are useful.
Once again, we are doing the same thing:
Checking reality instead of guessing it.
Then offer a concrete solution
Once we know what happened, how it affected the other person, and what they need, we can look for a solution.
But here too, it is better not to guess.
Instead of:
Fine, I will never do it again.
try:
Would it be acceptable to you if I texted you next time as soon as I find out that the plans are changing?
Or:
Would it help if we always confirmed visits in advance?
Or:
Would it be all right with you if we kept one evening a week just for ourselves?
This gives the other person the opportunity to say:
Yes.
No.
or:
Almost, but I would need something else as well.
And the conflict gradually turns into an agreement.
When the other person speaks unfairly, we do not have to copy their style
This may be the most interesting part.
Someone says:
You do not care about me at all!
We do not have to answer:
That is manipulation.
Nor:
That is not true.
We can try to find out what lies beneath the sentence:
I hear that you feel I have been giving you too little time lately. Is that the main thing that bothers you?
The other person:
Yes.
Then:
And I understand that it hurts you. What would you need to be different?
We may learn:
I would like us to have dinner together without our phones at least twice a week.
Now we have a specific topic.
The original:
You do not care about me at all.
was almost impossible to resolve.
But you do not have to translate everything
If someone says:
You are an idiot.
you do not have to start with:
I hear that you are frustrated…
Sometimes it is healthier to say:
If something specific is bothering you, tell me. But I will not listen to insults.
Trying to understand the other person does not mean tolerating any way of communicating.
Understanding and boundaries can complement each other.
The basic strategy therefore has two sides
When I speak
I try to say:
What exactly do I see or hear?
How does it affect me?
What do I feel?
What do I need?
What exactly would I like to be different?
For example:
When you check your phone several times during our conversation, I feel disappointed. I need to feel that we are really listening to each other right now. Could you put it away for ten minutes?
When I listen
I try to find out:
What is the other person really telling me?
How did it affect them?
What might they need?
Do I understand it correctly?
What solution would be acceptable to them?
For example:
I hear that you are upset when I check my phone during a conversation, and that you then feel unheard. You need me to focus only on our conversation for a while. Would it help if I put my phone away until we have finished discussing this?
Both sides use the same principle.
Guess less. Describe and check more.
Sometimes we discover that we were not arguing about the same thing at all
Your partner says:
You are always at work.
You hear:
You work too much and have to work less.
So you begin:
But this is an important period and I cannot afford to…
But if you first asked:
Is it the amount of work that bothers you, or something specific about it?
you might hear:
I do not mind that you work. I mind that I never know when you will come home.
Suddenly the whole conflict has changed.
The problem may not be work.
The problem is predictability.
And the solution does not have to be:
Work less.
It could be:
Text me when you know you will be home late.
That is exactly why it makes sense to check what the other person really needs.
Criticism without guidance easily creates a sense of failure
If someone repeatedly hears:
You are not attentive enough.
You are insensitive.
You are doing it wrong.
You have disappointed me again.
they may receive a very detailed list of the ways in which they fail.
But they still may not know:
What should they do correctly?
If we want change, it is fair to give the other person the opportunity to understand what it might look like.
Not:
Be more considerate.
But:
When you know you will be late, please text me.
Not:
Support me more.
But:
When I tell you about something that is troubling me, please listen to me for a while before you start suggesting solutions.
Suddenly the other person no longer has to guess how to succeed.
Good communication is not mind-reading
Many conflicts arise precisely because we expect:
They must know this.
They should understand this on their own.
If they cared about me, they would know what I need.
Maybe they do-but often they do not.
The other person has different experiences, different needs, and a different way of understanding the situation.
That is why it can be much fairer to say:
This is what is happening to me.
This is what I need.
This is how it would help me.
And at the same time give them space to tell us the same.
An assumption is not an agreement
A great deal of unnecessary frustration arises even before the actual conflict.
We do not know something precisely, so we create an idea and fill in the missing information ourselves.
They said they would come in the evening.
This creates an assumption:
They will probably arrive around seven.
The assumption easily becomes an expectation:
They will be home at seven.
It is eight and they are nowhere to be seen.
And frustration follows:
You cannot rely on them again.
But the other person may never have said they would come at seven.
Part of the problem therefore did not arise from what they did, but from this chain:
I do not know exactly → I form an idea → I turn it into an assumption → it becomes an expectation → the expectation is not met → frustration follows
Similarly, we may expect:
My partner must know that I need a hug right now.
My colleague must understand that I need the task finished today.
If they know me well, they must know that this bothers me.
Maybe they do-maybe they do not.
That is why it is often better to turn an assumption into a question and an expectation into a concrete agreement:
When you say “in the evening,” around what time do you mean?
I need this task by five today. Is that realistic for you?
I had a difficult day and right now I would rather be listened to than look for a solution.
The same principle works the other way around.
Do not make assumptions about what the other person means-and do not expect the other person to correctly assume what you mean.
When you are unsure, check.
One short question can prevent a long misunderstanding.
Two rules you can take away
1. Talk about your own experience and check the other person’s experience.
When you speak, try to talk mainly about your own experience:
This is what I see. This is what it does to me. This is what I need.
When you listen, first try to understand the other person’s experience:
I hear what you are saying. I understand how it affects you. Do I correctly understand what you need?
Only then look for:
What can we do about it?
2. Do not make assumptions, and do not expect others to make them.
When we do not know something precisely, we easily create an assumption. It becomes an expectation, and an unmet expectation becomes frustration:
I do not know exactly → I form an idea → it becomes an assumption → an expectation arises → the expectation is not met → frustration follows.
That is why it is better to ask, check, and say your needs out loud.
An assumption is not an agreement. Do not expect the other person to read your mind-and do not try to read theirs.
- You do not have to agree.
- You do not have to meet every need.
- And you do not have to accept an unfair way of communicating.
But the less you fill in for each other and the more you check, the greater the chance that both of you know what you are really talking about.
Knowing how to do it calmly is different from knowing how to do it during a conflict
When reading, it is easy to change:
You do not listen to me at all.
into:
When you check your phone during a conversation, I feel unheard and I would need you to put it away for a while.
But in a real conversation, we are angry, the other person becomes defensive, and within a few seconds we are back to:
See? You cannot talk to me at all.
That is exactly why it makes sense to practice this kind of communication.
In Duovio, you can try out how to turn a reproach into a specific description of the problem, name its impact and your need, and formulate a request that the other person can genuinely respond to.