“You’re terribly unreliable.”
“You come across as arrogant in meetings.”
“You should be a little more considerate.”
There may be something important behind these statements.
- Someone is missing deadlines.
- They interrupt other people.
- They say something hurtful to others.
The problem, though, is that this kind of feedback often mainly says:
“There’s something wrong with you.”
The other person may then start defending themselves:
I’m not unreliable.
I’m not arrogant.
And are you always considerate?
And instead of a conversation about specific behavior, it becomes an argument about the person’s character.
Feedback is not a verdict
Good feedback doesn’t try to decide what kind of person the other person is.
It tries to describe something we noticed and think is worth paying attention to.
Instead of:
You’re unreliable.
we can say:
We agreed that you’d send the materials on Monday, but they didn’t arrive until Wednesday. Because of that, I had to push back the next part of the work.
The first sentence judges the person.
The second describes:
what happened → what impact it had.
And specific behavior is something we can do something about.
Talk about what you actually saw or heard
Compare:
You were pretty arrogant in the meeting.
with:
While Jana was explaining her proposal, you interrupted her three times before she finished her sentence.
The word “arrogant” is our judgment.
Interrupting is something that can be described specifically.
Likewise, instead of:
You’re disrespectful toward him.
we can be more precise:
While he was speaking, you laughed several times and said his proposal was nonsense.
The more specific we are, the less room there is for an argument over whether the other person is “arrogant,” “disrespectful,” or a “bad colleague.”
We can talk about what they actually did.
Describe the impact too
Sometimes describing the behavior alone isn’t enough.
You interrupted her three times.
The other person may respond:
So what?
That’s why it helps to explain why we’re bringing it up.
For example:
When you interrupted her several times, she didn’t have a chance to finish her proposal, and the conversation quickly started to escalate.
Or:
When a deadline changes without warning, I can’t plan my part of the work accordingly.
Or in a relationship:
When you make fun of me like that in front of other people, I feel uncomfortable and put down.
Now the other person doesn’t just know:
“Something bothers you.”
They also know:
“This is how it affects you or the situation.”
Don’t guess why the other person did it
When someone’s behavior affects us, it’s easy to attribute a motive to it:
You wanted to put her down.
You did it on purpose.
You didn’t care at all about how it affected me.
Maybe that really was the case.
But we usually can’t know the other person’s motives for certain.
It’s much safer to separate the behavior from our interpretation:
When you called her proposal nonsense in front of everyone, it came across to me as humiliating.
That’s not the same as:
You wanted to humiliate her.
The first describes your perspective.
The second claims to know what was in the other person’s mind.
Feedback is usually more precise when we describe the behavior and its impact, not the presumed intention.
Separate behavior from identity
- One mistake doesn’t make someone incompetent.
- One insensitive remark doesn’t automatically make them an insensitive person.
- One late submission doesn’t make someone an unreliable colleague.
So you can say:
You sent this part of the presentation after the deadline.
instead of:
You’re unreliable.
Or:
I thought that joke at his expense was unnecessarily demeaning.
instead of:
You’re insensitive.
That doesn’t mean that certain behavior can’t be repeated.
If it happens again, we can name that:
This is the third time it’s happened in the past month, and it’s starting to become a problem.
But we’re still talking about a pattern of behavior, not a person’s worth.
Being considerate doesn’t mean being vague
Sometimes we’re so afraid of hurting the other person that we water down the feedback completely:
Maybe it might be worth considering whether it would perhaps be good to do some things a little differently…
After a sentence like that, the other person may have no idea what we’re trying to tell them.
Being considerate doesn’t mean hiding the problem.
We can be clear and respectful at the same time:
I need to talk with you about today’s meeting. When you interrupted Petr several times, it seemed to me that he didn’t have a chance to finish his point. Next time, I’d like us to let each other finish speaking.
It’s clear what bothered us.
At the same time, we’re not telling the other person they’re a bad person.
Feedback should be actionable
The sentence:
You should be more professional.
may sound important.
But what exactly should the other person do?
These can be just as vague:
You need to come across as more confident.
Be nicer.
You should be more considerate.
If we want feedback to help bring about change, it’s good to say what that change might look like.
For example:
When a client asks a question, try giving them time to finish first, then answer.
Or:
If you know you won’t meet a deadline, I need you to let me know before it passes.
Or:
When you disagree with my proposal, please tell me specifically what bothers you about it instead of calling it stupid.
Good feedback doesn’t just say what went wrong. It helps the other person understand what they can do differently next time.
Make room for the other person’s perspective too
Feedback doesn’t have to be a one-sided verdict.
You can say:
In today’s meeting, you interrupted Petr several times. It seemed to me that he didn’t have a chance to finish his thought. How did you see the situation?
You might find out:
I felt like he wasn’t answering my question at all and kept going off on tangents.
That doesn’t have to invalidate your original feedback. But it can add important context.
You can continue:
I understand. So you wanted to bring the conversation back to the topic. At the same time, I’d need him to have a chance to finish his sentence before we stop him.
Now it’s no longer just:
“I’m telling you what you did wrong.”
It’s about:
“Let’s understand what happened and how to handle it better next time.”
Not all feedback has to be accepted
You can say:
When you said that in front of the others, it came across to me as humiliating.
And the other person responds:
I didn’t see it that way at all.
That’s possible, because feedback isn’t an objective verdict-it often includes our perspective too.
You can reply:
I understand that you didn’t mean it that way. I’m telling you how it came across to me.
The other person doesn’t have to agree with every part of your interpretation.
But that doesn’t mean your experience stops mattering.
Timing is part of feedback
The same sentence can have a very different effect depending on when and where we say it.
In front of the whole team:
Petr, next time at least check your work.
can be humiliating, even if the feedback itself is justified.
In private:
Petr, I’d like to talk with you about today’s presentation. There were several figures that didn’t add up, and it put us in an awkward situation in front of the client. Let’s figure out how to prevent that next time.
The content is similar, but the impact can be completely different.
Considerate feedback isn’t just about what we say, but also when, where, and in front of whom we say it.
Don’t always wait for the worst moment
Sometimes we put off giving feedback for a long time.
Something annoys us once, and we stay quiet. Then it happens again, and we stay quiet. Then a third time.
By the fourth time, we explode:
You always do this! I’m really fed up with it!
The other person may not even have known that the previous situations bothered us.
If something is important and keeps happening, it may be better to bring it up sooner, before a minor frustration turns into pent-up anger.
Don’t give ten criticisms at once
Feedback can start with one topic:
I wanted to talk with you about how you’re late to our meetings.
And within a few minutes, it turns into:
And while we’re at it, you often don’t reply to emails either, you didn’t send the materials last month, and you could be a lot more proactive in general…
The other person can easily feel as if they’ve just been handed a complete list of their shortcomings.
If the issues aren’t directly related, it’s usually more useful to address one specific area.
One clear, actionable piece of feedback is usually more useful than a full inventory of every mistake.
Be careful about using praise to disguise criticism
You may have heard of the so-called “sandwich”:
The presentation was really good.
But you talked for too long.
Otherwise, great job.
This can sometimes work.
But if we use praise every time just as obligatory wrapping for criticism, the other person may learn:
“When they start praising me, something unpleasant is coming.”
Then the praise loses its credibility.
There’s no need to hide critical feedback-we can be direct and polite at the same time:
The content of the presentation was very good. But I’d like to talk about its length, because we didn’t have time for the last part of the agenda.
If the praise is genuine and relevant, go ahead and say it.
But it doesn’t have to serve as a protective layer around every criticism.
Feedback shouldn’t be a punishment
Sometimes we give feedback not to help change something, but because we want the other person to understand how angry they made us.
Then we might say:
Now I’m going to tell you what I really think about this.
And follow it with a list of everything they did wrong.
We may feel relieved for a moment, but that’s not really feedback anymore. It’s more like venting our anger.
If we’re very upset, it may be better to put the conversation off for a while:
I’m pretty angry right now, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret later. I want to come back to this tonight.
Don’t try to force the other person to agree with you
You say:
When you made that comment in front of everyone, I felt uncomfortable.
The other person replies:
I don’t think there was anything wrong with it.
You may feel the need to continue:
But there was. Don’t you understand how it sounded?
And little by little, feedback turns into a fight over who’s right.
Sometimes it’s enough to say:
I understand that you see it differently. I wanted you to know how it came across to me.
If you need a specific change, you can add:
And please don’t make jokes like that at my expense in front of others next time.
You don’t need the other person to agree with your whole interpretation in order to clearly say what you need.
The other person may need time
Feedback can catch someone by surprise.
- They may start to defend themselves.
- They may go quiet.
- They may say:
I need to think about it.
That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re rejecting you.
Sometimes it helps to say:
You don’t have to respond right away. I mainly wanted to tell you how I saw the situation.
Feedback doesn’t have to be resolved within five minutes.
A simple structure if you don’t know how to start
This sequence can help:
What I noticed → what impact it had → how you see it → what would help next time
For example:
In today’s meeting, you interrupted Petr several times before he finished answering. It seemed to me that he didn’t have a chance to explain his point of view, and the conversation started escalating unnecessarily. How did you see it? Next time, I’d like us to let each other finish speaking.
Or in a relationship:
Yesterday, you joked several times in front of others about how impractical I am. It came across as demeaning to me, and I didn’t feel good about it. How did you see it? Next time, I’d like us to skip jokes like that at my expense.
You don’t need to use an exact, memorized phrase. The principle is what matters.
Describe specific behavior. Say what impact it had. Make room for the other person. And if you want a change, say what that might look like.
Feedback may not feel good to the other person
Delivering feedback considerately doesn’t mean the other person won’t feel disappointed, ashamed, or angry.
Sometimes we’re simply saying something that’s hard to hear.
Our job isn’t to eliminate every unpleasant emotion.
But we can do our best to make sure the other person doesn’t hear:
“You’re bad.”
but rather:
“Here’s a specific issue that’s having a certain impact, and I’d like to talk with you about it.”
That’s a fundamental difference.
Saying something difficult with care is a skill
While reading, it may be easy to change:
You’re so incredibly unreliable.
to:
The materials have been late for the third time, and that’s making my next steps harder. I need you to let me know in advance if you won’t meet the deadline.
But in a real conversation, the other person might respond:
That’s not fair. Last time I was late because you sent me the materials late.
And that’s when it becomes clear whether we can keep our feedback specific, listen to the other person’s perspective, and avoid turning the conversation into a fight about character and blame.
In Duovio, you can safely practice a similar situation. You explain in your own words what bothers you about the other person’s behavior, a virtual person responds, and you can continue based on their reaction.
This gives you a chance to practice being clear, specific, and respectful-without putting the other person down unnecessarily, but also without hiding the problem behind vague wording.