Today at work was really awful. My boss put down my proposal in front of everyone again.
You might immediately think:
And what exactly did he say?
Or:
And wasn’t he right about something?
Or:
Then next time you have to tell him you won’t put up with that.
All these reactions may be well-intentioned.
- We’re trying to understand the situation.
- We’re trying to figure out who’s right.
- We’re trying to help.
But the person telling us about a problem may not need an investigation, judgment, or solution at that moment.
Maybe they first need to hear:
That must have been really unpleasant. Especially since he did it in front of everyone.
And only then:
Do you want to talk it through, or do you want to figure out what to do about it?
Listening doesn’t just mean waiting for the other person to finish speaking
We can sit quietly, look at someone, and still not listen at all.
Because in our heads, we’re already preparing:
- our own response,
- a counterargument,
- advice,
- an explanation,
- our own similar story,
- or a question we want to ask.
Technically, we’re letting the other person speak, but mentally we’re already somewhere else.
Real listening means setting aside, for a moment, the need to steer the conversation and trying to understand:
What is this person actually trying to tell me?
Not only what happened, but also what it meant to them.
Not every question helps us listen
When someone says:
I had a fight with my mom today.
a series of questions might follow:
What was it about?
And what did you say to her?
And what did she say?
Was your dad there?
And when did it happen?
There’s nothing wrong with the questions themselves.
But the conversation can quickly turn from listening into collecting information.
Yet perhaps the most important information was already shared at the start:
It really got to me.
Instead of asking another question about the circumstances, it might be more helpful to say:
So it really affected you.
Or:
What was the hardest part for you?
The first kind of question finds out what happened.
The second helps us understand what’s happening for the other person.
Both can have their place, but the order matters.
Understand first, then solve
Imagine:
I’ve been completely exhausted lately. I have so much to do at work.
You could answer:
You need to organize your work better.
Or:
Then take a few days off.
Or:
Why don’t you just tell your boss you have too much on your plate?
Maybe these are good ideas.
But the other person hasn’t even asked for them.
Maybe what they needed was:
It sounds like a lot has really been piling up for you lately.
This sentence doesn’t solve the problem.
And that’s exactly why it can help sometimes.
Before we start changing the situation, we let the other person know:
I see what’s happening to you.
Unsolicited advice can sound like criticism
Imagine telling someone:
I’ve been having trouble falling asleep lately.
And getting this in response:
Then don’t look at your phone in the evening.
Maybe it’s practical advice.
But you might also hear:
You’re doing something wrong.
The solution is simple.
If you were doing things right, you wouldn’t have this problem.
That may not be what the other person intended at all.
That’s why this question can be very helpful:
Do you want to think about what you could do about it, or would you rather just talk about it right now?
The other person might say:
I just need to vent right now.
Great.
Now we know what they need from us.
Or:
Yeah, I really don’t know what to do. What would you do?
Now we’ve been invited to look for a solution.
Judgment can shut down a conversation
Someone says:
My colleague presented my idea as if it were his again today.
You could answer:
What a total jerk.
Maybe the other person even agrees.
But you’ve already started judging the situation.
And sometimes the judgment can go the other way:
Maybe he didn’t mean it that way.
Maybe you’re being a little sensitive.
I probably wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it.
In both cases, we’re quickly deciding how the situation should be viewed.
Listening could look like this instead:
I hear that what bothers you most is that he took credit for something you worked on.
The other person might say:
Exactly.
Or:
No. What bothers me most is that he keeps doing it and I never say anything.
And now we understand much better.
“I hear that…” helps us check, not guess
One of the simplest listening tools is to reflect back in our own words what we’ve understood.
I hear that what upset you most was that he said it in front of everyone.
I understand it as not being so much about that particular task, but about this happening repeatedly.
So you felt completely alone in that situation.
But the important part comes next:
Am I understanding you correctly?
Because even our empathetic interpretation can be wrong.
We might say:
You probably felt humiliated.
And the other person replies:
Not really humiliated. I was just really angry.
Good-we’ve just corrected our understanding of what they’re experiencing.
Listening isn’t mind-reading
Sometimes we feel like we know the other person well.
So we automatically fill in the blanks:
You’re afraid they’ll leave you again.
You’re actually upset about something else.
You’re mainly jealous.
Maybe we’re right.
But it’s still our interpretation.
A much safer approach is:
I wonder if there’s also some fear that they’re pulling away from you. Is that right, or do you see it differently?
That way, we’re offering a possibility.
We’re not presenting our own guess as fact.
Understanding doesn’t mean agreeing that the other person is right
This is very important.
Someone says:
Everyone at work ignores me.
You can answer:
It must feel unpleasant to think that the others are overlooking you.
That doesn’t mean you’re saying:
Yes, everyone really is ignoring you.
You’re validating their experience:
I can see this is hard for you.
Not necessarily their interpretation:
Your explanation of the whole situation is definitely right.
Similarly:
I understand that my turning you down made you angry.
doesn’t mean:
I shouldn’t have turned you down.
Listening and having your own opinion can coexist.
Empathy doesn’t mean automatically agreeing
Your partner says:
I was upset that you wanted to spend the evening alone.
You can answer:
I understand that you were looking forward to spending time together and felt disappointed.
And at the same time:
But I still need that evening to myself.
Understanding the other person doesn’t mean giving up your boundaries.
Likewise, you can understand someone’s anger without accepting how they express it.
I hear that you’re really angry. But I don’t want to continue if you’re going to yell at me.
Listening isn’t passivity.
Don’t try to fix the emotion right away
When someone says:
I feel completely hopeless about this.
sometimes we feel a strong urge to answer:
Don’t worry, it’ll all work out.
It’ll be fine.
Don’t think about it.
At least…
These phrases often come from a desire to comfort someone.
But they can make it seem as though we want to get rid of their emotion as quickly as possible.
Sometimes, all it takes is:
This is really hard for you right now.
Or even saying nothing for a little while.
Not every difficult experience needs to be fixed immediately.
“At least…” may be well-intentioned, but it misses the point
I lost that contract.
At least you have other clients.
We broke up.
At least you didn’t have kids.
I didn’t get promoted at work.
At least you have a job.
All of that may be true.
But the other person didn’t come to talk about what they still have.
They’re talking about what hurt them.
Sometimes it’s better to stay with that for a little while:
That must have been really disappointing.
A more positive perspective can come later.
Watch out for telling your own story
Someone says:
I’m having a terrible problem with a colleague right now.
And you say:
Yeah, I know what that’s like. Three years ago I had a colleague who…
Before long, you’ve been talking for ten minutes.
Sharing a similar experience can be a way of saying:
I understand you.
But it can easily turn into:
Now we’re going to talk about me.
A simple question might help:
Am I telling my story to help the other person, or because I’ve gotten the urge to tell my own?
If you do share your own experience, it’s often helpful to quickly bring the conversation back:
I went through something similar once, and I remember how frustrating it was. But what happened next with you?
Good listening often means slowing down
We don’t have to respond to every sentence.
We don’t have to fill every silence immediately.
Sometimes the other person is still looking for the words.
They say:
I actually don’t know… I guess what bothered me most…
And we interrupt:
It made you angry, right?
Maybe.
But maybe they wanted to say something else.
A few seconds of silence can be part of listening.
It gives the other person room to finish their own thought instead of us finishing it for them.
It helps to summarize what you’ve understood
For a longer or more complex topic, a brief summary can be very helpful:
If I understand correctly, you’re not just bothered by your boss criticizing you. What affected you most was that he did it in front of the whole team and didn’t give you a chance to talk it through with him beforehand.
And then:
Is that it?
The other person might say:
Yeah, exactly.
Or:
Almost. There was something else that bothered me, too.
Both answers mean that your understanding is becoming more precise.
What if you disagree with the other person?
You don’t have to pretend to agree.
For example, your partner says:
I think you ignored me on purpose.
You know that isn’t true.
You can still start by listening:
I hear that you interpreted my silence as me ignoring you, and it made you really angry.
And then add:
But I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose. I needed some quiet time.
First, you showed that you understood their experience.
Then you added your perspective.
That often works better than immediately saying:
That’s not true.
Sometimes one question is enough: “What do you need from me right now?”
If you’re not sure, you can simply ask:
Do you want me just to listen right now?
Do you want to hear my opinion?
Do you want to look for a solution together?
Do you need anything specific from me?
That doesn’t mean you don’t know how to listen.
On the contrary-instead of making assumptions, you’re checking what the other person actually needs.
A simple structure for when you don’t know what to say
Listening doesn’t have to be a complicated technique.
A simple sequence can help:
Listen → name the impact → check → find out what the other person needs
For example:
I hear that your boss’s approach really affected you. Am I understanding correctly that the worst part was that he criticized you in front of everyone?
The other person:
Yeah.
Then:
I understand. Do you mainly want to talk it through right now, or do you want to think about what to do next time?
Suddenly, you don’t have to guess.
The other person will tell you what they need from the conversation.
Listening isn’t an interrogation, therapy, or an obligation to bear everything
You don’t have to give unlimited attention to every topic.
You can say:
I want to listen, but I’m completely exhausted right now. Can we come back to this in half an hour?
Likewise, you don’t have to accept insults just because you’re trying to understand.
I want to understand what’s bothering you. But if you insult me, I won’t be able to continue this conversation.
Good listening doesn’t mean abandoning your own needs.
It’s a way to give the other person space without ceasing to exist ourselves.
First show that you’ve heard them. Only then add your own perspective
Perhaps the simplest rule in this whole article is:
Before asking another question, offering advice, or sharing your own opinion, first try to show in one sentence what you’ve understood from what the other person said.
For example:
I hear that what affected you most was that he said it in front of everyone.
Then:
Am I understanding that correctly?
And only then:
Do you want to figure out what to do about it?
The order matters:
Understand first, then take the next step.
Listening is hardest precisely when we have something to say
When we agree with the other person and are calm, listening is usually fairly easy.
It’s much harder when we think:
You’re seeing this completely wrong.
I know the solution.
This isn’t fair to me.
I have to defend myself.
That’s exactly when it makes sense to slow down for a moment and first check:
What is the other person actually telling me?
In Duovio, you can practice conversations like these in a safe setting. A virtual person will criticize you, describe a problem, or react emotionally, and you can practice understanding them first instead of immediately defending yourself, judging, or looking for a solution.