I would like to stay home this weekend.
And I would like to visit my parents.
So once again, things will go your way.
What am I supposed to do? I want to go there.
Such a conversation can very quickly start to feel like a competition.
Either one person wins - or the other.
And then we imagine a compromise as something in between:
So we'll only go for half a day and we'll both be a little unhappy.
Sometimes such a solution really is the best one.
But often there is a better way.
First, find out what each of us actually needs.
A request is not the same as a need
You say:
I want us to stay home on Saturday.
That is a specific proposal.
But behind it there may be a need:
- to rest,
- to have some peace and quiet,
- to spend time together,
- not to have to travel again.
The other person says:
I want to visit my parents.
Behind their request there may be:
- to stay in touch with family,
- to keep a promise,
- to help someone,
- or simply the need to be with people they have not seen for a long time.
As long as we talk only about:
at home
versus:
at my parents'“,
the situation looks like two incompatible options.
Once we understand the needs behind them, many more possibilities can emerge.
Before suggesting a solution, find out what is important to the other person
In conflicts, we often come up with a compromise too quickly:
So we'll go there for two hours.
The other person:
That is pointless.
And we are back where we started.
Instead, it may help to ask:
What is most important to you about the visit?
You may find out:
I promised my mother that I would help her with something.
That is a different problem from:
“We have to spend the entire weekend at my parents' house.”
And the solution may look completely different.
State your own need clearly as well
An attempt to compromise can sometimes turn into one-sided accommodation.
All right, then we'll go.
On the surface, the problem is solved.
But inside, you may feel:
I gave in again.
And later, this may appear:
I always do only what you want.
That is why it is important to state your own need as well:
I want to find a solution, but I really need to have part of the weekend without any plans. I have been very tired in recent weeks.
You are not giving the other person an ultimatum.
You are simply bringing into the conversation something that should carry equal weight when looking for a solution.
A compromise is not automatically fifty-fifty
Imagine that one person wants the window open and the other wants it closed.
A compromise:
Then let's leave it half open.
may work.
But with more complex needs, mechanically splitting things in half is often not enough.
For example:
I need peace and quiet in the evening.
I need to work and make several phone calls.
The solution does not have to be:
we will both try to speak a little more quietly.
It could be:
You will work in the study and I will be in the living room.
Both people got a large part of what they actually needed.
That is often better than a mechanical “middle ground.”
Look for more than one option
When the first proposal appears, we tend to immediately start fighting over it.
What if we went there on Saturday?
No.
And the conversation ends there.
It may help to create several options without having to evaluate them right away.
For example:
We could go on Saturday morning only.
You could go by yourself this time.
We could move the visit to next week.
We could go on Sunday and keep Saturday free.
Suddenly, you do not have two options:
mine and yours.
You have several options you can choose from together.
Ask what is essential and what is flexible
Not every part of our request is equally important.
For example:
I want to go on a ten-day holiday in July.
What may be essential for you is:
- to go away for at least a week.
But what may not be essential is:
- that it be exactly in July,
- that it last ten days,
- or that it be to a specific place.
The other person may have their own fixed and flexible points.
It helps to ask:
What is truly important to you here, and where can you give way?
And ask yourself the same question.
Do not confuse compromise with surrender
A compromise might look like this:
I need Saturday morning for myself, while you want to visit your parents. What if you went by yourself in the morning and we spent the afternoon together?
Surrender:
All right, then I will go, even though I do not want to.
The difference is not only in the outcome.
It is also in whether you had the opportunity to express your need and whether it was genuinely taken into account when deciding.
If one person almost always gives in just to avoid conflict, that is not a healthy long-term compromise.
Beware of hidden bargaining
A compromise can sometimes slip into:
All right, I will do it, but then you owe me something.
Or:
I gave in last week, so now you have to.
Of course, reciprocity exists in relationships.
But if every agreement starts turning into an accounting of who has done more, another conflict may arise.
A better question is:
Is this particular agreement acceptable to both of us?
instead of:
Who has given in more times?
The agreement must be specific
Sometimes a conflict ends with the sentence:
So we will both try harder.
It sounds nice.
But what exactly does it mean?
If, for example, you are dealing with household responsibilities:
You need to help me more.
is vague.
A specific agreement might sound like:
You will do the shopping on Tuesdays and Fridays this month, and I will take care of cooking during the week.
Or:
If one of us cannot do their task, they will tell the other person no later than the day before.
The more specific the agreement, the less likely it is that each person will interpret it differently.
A good agreement answers several simple questions
It helps to know:
- Who will do what?
- When?
- How often?
- What if it is not possible?
- When will we revisit the agreement if it does not work?
For example:
Let's try alternating weekends for a month. We will plan one together, and each of us will arrange the other one independently. In a month, we will discuss whether it works for us.
That is an agreement you can genuinely try out.
A compromise can be temporary
You do not always have to find a final solution.
Sometimes you can say:
We do not know yet what will work for us. Let's try it this way for two weeks and then evaluate it.
This is especially useful with topics that keep recurring:
- household chores,
- time together,
- childcare,
- work schedule,
- visits,
- money.
Instead of endlessly searching for the perfect solution, you can conduct a small experiment.
What if the needs really are incompatible
Not every difference can be resolved through an elegant agreement.
For example, one person wants children.
The other does not.
This is not a problem that can be solved with:
Then we will have half a child.
Some needs and values are simply incompatible.
Even here, good communication helps.
Not by creating an impossible compromise.
But by clearly showing:
- Exactly how do we differ?
- Is any part flexible?
- Can we live with this difference?
Sometimes honestly recognizing incompatibility is better than a false agreement that satisfies no one.
What if the other person only wants their solution
You can say:
I need it to be this way.
And the other person:
No. We will do it my way.
Then it is no longer just about finding a compromise.
You can return to the principle:
I understand that this is what you want. But I am not comfortable with this solution. I need us to find an option we can both agree to.
If the other person is unwilling to acknowledge any of your needs, perhaps the problem is not that you are unable to find a good enough compromise.
Perhaps no shared compromise is emerging yet.
What if you give in mainly to keep the peace
This is important to recognize.
You say:
All right, then we will do it your way.
And you feel relieved.
The argument is over.
But at the same time, you may feel resentment or frustration.
Try asking yourself:
Do I agree with this solution, or do I simply want the conflict to end?
If the second option is true, it may be better to say:
I do not want to keep arguing, but I do not agree with this solution yet. I need some more time to think.
That may be healthier than immediately agreeing and later blaming the other person for it.
Do not expect the other person to automatically know your main need
You may argue about holidays, money, or visits.
But beneath the surface, something completely different may be going on.
For example:
I do not want to spend the entire weekend with your parents again.
The other person hears:
You do not like my family.
But what you mean is:
I need to have some time to rest as well.
If you do not say this, the other person may be negotiating with a problem that you do not actually have.
That is why it may be useful to say directly:
It is not that I do not want to see them. It is that I need to have part of the weekend without any plans.
Suddenly, new possibilities open up.
A simple process for reaching an agreement
When you have different needs, you can try:
1. Describe your need.
I need to have some time to rest over the weekend.
2. Find out what the other person needs.
What is important to you about going to your parents' place right now?
3. Separate needs from specific solutions.
So you want to see them, and I need part of the weekend to be free.
4. Suggest several options.
We could go on Sunday only, you could go by yourself on Saturday, or we could move it to next week.
5. Agree on a specific solution.
All right, we will stay home on Saturday and go there for lunch on Sunday.
Only then does an agreement emerge.
The goal is not for both people to get everything
A compromise will often mean that both people give something up.
But the difference is whether both people also get something that is genuinely important to them.
A good agreement therefore does not have to mean:
50% for me and 50% for you.
It may mean:
My main need is respected, and so is yours.
And if that is not possible, it is better to admit it than to create an agreement that works only on paper.
An agreement reveals itself only when the other person does not want the same thing as you
When reading this, it is easy to say:
Let's find a solution that works for both of us.
But in a real conversation, the other person may respond:
I do not want any other option. I want you to come with me.
And that is precisely when it is difficult not to give in just to keep the peace, or conversely, not to start fighting for your own option.
In Duovio, you can safely practice a similar situation. The virtual person has their own legitimate need and does not have to accept your first proposal. You can find out what is important to them, name your own need, and look for a specific solution that respects both sides.